My Favorite Lawyer Jokes

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
You shoot the lawyer...Twice.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton

Have you heard about the attorney who meets with a client and demands a $1,000 retainer?
The client hands him an envelope supposedly containing the retainer.
After the client leaves, the attorney opens the envelope and discovers $2,000 in cash.
This poses an ethical problem for the attorney: "Do I tell my partner?"

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

The Deaf Bookeeper

Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me." Using sign language, the lawyer asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge!"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."